Im finding everything really hard right now.
I have 4 and half weeks till my due date, I’m huge, exhausted and my emotions really are all over the place.
Im really hoping a lot of this is down to the fact that I’m heavily pregnant and that its not just me.
Every so often I manage to have a good day where things go well and I manage to push myself to do something I’m happy about like the other day when me and Sofia went out for lunch by ourselves, something I had never done before, but then there are so many days where I struggle to even get the bare minimum of anything done.
And then there are days like Saturday.
It was my nieces first birthday party. They had booked a church hall and set up a bouncy castle and little soft play for the kids and done a spread of food. There were a lot of people there.
I really struggle with these type of events.
I knew my anxiety would be triggered but I wasn’t prepared for how badly. I thought I was past that point, I thought I was a bit better.
Better at coping with it but ultimately better at concealing it.
Now being pregnant didn’t help me here, as soon as my eyes started to prickle I couldn’t stop.
Ive been crying for absolutely no reason all the time lately so I guess its no wonder I couldn’t keep it in when I was freaking out there.
Thankfully it was a short walk to outside to where I could hide. My mum was helping Sofia get some food at the time so I knew she was ok.
I can’t pin point what it is about these type of events that makes me like this, in most situations I can internalise it all and everyone is none the wiser apart from the odd person who knows me well enough to know I’m not ok, but at things like this its obvious.
Maybe its the constant noise, or the fact that everywhere I look I can see people who vaguely know who I am but don’t really know me. I think its a combination of these coupled with my head which starts to panic because I feel trapped.
Once my head goes down that route my eyes start to burn and I fidget with whatever I’m holding, this time it was my bottle of Diet Coke, I could feel myself shaking as I opened it and closed it over and over again. This just made me more aware of everyone around me.
Just getting out of the building helped, I could try and calm down without so many people seeing me crying.
Chris quickly noticed I wasn’t there and I’m guessing he will have known where to find me from the last time this happened.
He was there by my side, not making me feel judged or guilty like most people do unintentionally but just there. He makes me feel so safe. I honestly don’t know how I would get by without him.
My side of the family have never actually witnessed this side of me, they knew about it but as far as I remember had never seen it. I think they handled it well, my brother came out and told me it was ok for me to go if I wanted, which was what I needed.
The problem with being a parent in these situations is that its not only about looking after myself and my sanity. Sofia was there at her cousins first birthday party having a great time and I didn’t want to take that from her or from Tahlia either.
Im a stay at home mum, I look after Sofia pretty much all the time, I find it so difficult to entrust that to anyone else. Especially when we were in a place I didn’t really know.
Me and Chris decided it would be best to leave her with my parents at the party so she could still have a good time.
Chris took me out for lunch so that I wasn’t sat at home worrying and waiting for them to get home. I really do have the best husband, I don’t have to explain to him these things, he just knows what I need.
Im worried for the future, I’m sure as my children grow up there will be more and more of these types of parties. Hopefully when I’m not heavily pregnant I will be able to get through it.
I really hope so, right now I don’t really feel like I’ve gotten anywhere with my anxiety. I thought I had but I guess it had never been tested like this.
I do believe its something I will always have to deal with, I just hope it gets easier at some point.
I hope no-one was upset by me leaving, its just kind of for the best when this happens, no-one wants a grown woman sat in some corner of a kids party crying. I wish I wasn’t like this.
Not the best picture up top I know, I didn’t take any pictures of the party, I was a bit pre occupied while I was there. This picture was taken by my mum of Sofia and Tahlia.