I feel like crap and there is no real reason for it.
Its been a bad week but again for no real reason.
Im very sorry that I always seem to be complaining about one thing or another but I want to be honest and this is where my head is at the moment. Being honest is the only way this blog will help me process things, which is really one of the biggest reasons I started it, I need something to help me process now I’ve stopped counselling and writing to myself helps me get it out of my system and helps me reflect.
I can’t seem to pin point why I’m feeling the way I am, there could be lots of little reasons and maybe its just the combination of these things thats making things hard right now.
Im 33 weeks pregnant and my body aches, it’s winter, always cold and grey out, I’m very tired and never seem to catch up with anything.
Or maybe I’m just at a point in this being a stay at home parent thing that its getting on top of me. Ive been doing this for just over 2 and half years now.
Being a stay at home mum is what I want and I don’t want to change it. I’m 99.9% sure it is what is best for Sofia and what will be best for our baby on the way too.
But it is so hard.
In 2 and half years I’ve not had a break from Sofia for more than 24 hours. I’ve only ever had 2 nights away from her, once for our wedding anniversary last year and once for a spa night away, both of which were just under a year ago. I love her more than anything but if I’m totally honest I need a break. Its not even that I exactly want a break as such, I don’t like to be away from her, I feel selfish, I just know it does me good.
I don’t like to ask for help even when I need it so its not overly often anyone other than my husband looks after Sofia, sometimes my parents or my sister in law but only when we have something to get done, not exactly for down time. I have an amazing husband who lets me have an hour or a couple of hours here and there where I lock myself in the bathroom and have a bath and try to shut out the world.
Another problem I think I may have brushed over the topic on here is that I have awful social anxiety which stops me from going out of the house. We go out on a weekend as a family and every so often I may go out with my mum for lunch during the week. But that is it. I hate admitting thats the case because I know how weird that makes me sound.
I wish I could enjoy being out on my own but I just can’t so I don’t do it, I find it so hard to even push myself out the door (I know this is not healthy behaviour from a grown woman). Over the years I’ve somehow managed to isolate myself from pretty much everyone, I seem to find it very difficult to connect with others, its only family I see, I don’t really have many friends at all and none that I see in person or even talk to on a regular basis.
I realise a lot of this is my fault. Theres a huge part of me that doesn’t want friends because I find it like this mine field of how I should act or what I should say or how often should I be texting etc etc… its exhausting but thats just part and parcel of life with social anxiety. Its this big contradiction, not wanting to see people but being desperate to at the same time.
I think maybe this is why everything is getting on top of me right now, before I became a mum I had these mental health problems which are hard to deal with, I now have a toddler who is hard work (no more than any other but all toddlers are hard work) and then theres the pregnancy, I think its this that is pushing me over the edge at the moment.
I want to be a few weeks in the future when my baby is here and I’m not pregnant anymore.
I don’t really know the reason why I’m not right at the moment but what it comes down to is that I’m not ok at the moment. Im just really trying to persevere and hopefully things get better. I’m sure they will, they always do.
This post gives me such a pit in my stomach to post and I know why, its because I’ve touched on my anxiety, its not something I talk about completely openly about with everyone but I can’t just leave it out on here, it would be too difficult to talk about how I’m feeling as it effects me every day and in every decision I ever make so it may not always make sense when I talk about it, this is because I don’t really fully understand why I am the way I am myself.